


“They started investigating a murder and then they started investigating each other”

by thepointoftheneedle



Series: The Final Girl and the Thaw [2]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: AU, Bughead wedding planning, Detective Betty Cooper, Engagement, Future Fic, Marriage Proposal, Writer Jughead Jones, murder mystery weekend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-23 07:50:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23041615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepointoftheneedle/pseuds/thepointoftheneedle
Summary: Here is the Bughead bachelor/ bachelorette party I was threatening you with.  Poor Archie, how is he supposed to organise a bachelor party for a broody introvert like Jug?  Veronica is worried that even her Lodge Andrews party planning savoir faire is unequal to Betty's bachelorette and it will be "the saddest little gathering ever to drink rosé in a hot tub."  Don't worry, Betty has a plan.  Doesn't Betty always have a plan?  This one involves Jug, corn syrup blood and oops necrophilia (not really.). Following on from The Final Girl and the Thaw so I suggest you begin with that.
Relationships: Alice Cooper/FP Jones II, Archie Andrews/Veronica Lodge, Betty Cooper/Jughead Jones, Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz, Kevin Keller/Moose Mason
Series: The Final Girl and the Thaw [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1655908
Comments: 30
Kudos: 66
Collections: 7th Bughead Fanfiction Awards - Nominees





	“They started investigating a murder and then they started investigating each other”

[](https://photos.google.com/share/AF1QipMMA5oM69EnWWmWdqSOxI2y_KbhJ6CR_T3GS0F_o00hImr-hFcmCfNmTW9Yan9lQw?key=dUp6ckJnS0h3LTZOTllVMnZpSFVVZXhMRTZkTWhR&source=ctrlq.org)

Veronica was pouting, “God Jughead, it’s not all about you! Could you be any more extra about every single thing?”

Betty could see that she was beginning to get genuinely irritated with Jug and that meant that Archie would get anxious and when Archie was anxious he made rash decisions that they all regretted later. Betty liked Lusitano’s, the gnocchi was excellent and it was near the apartment but if Archie punched the wall they’d never be allowed to come back. Jug was beginning to sulk too and that was not what she needed on a Friday night. Even if it wasn’t her that provoked the moping she would be the person who would have to coax him out of a funk with sex and baked goods if she wanted him not to spend the whole weekend expounding all the ways in which he was misunderstood.

“Well if it’s my bachelor party why isn’t it all about me? And if I choose to forgo a stupid bro ritual because I happen to have evolved beyond beer and boobs I don’t see why that is pissing on anyone’s parade.”

Despite himself Archie smirked at “beer and boobs” but when Jug noticed he became even more morose. “Look Arch, you just do what you want but I won’t come and then no-one will have to be inconvenienced by my lack of machismo.”

It was time for Betty to intervene if the whole evening wasn’t going to spiral down the drain. “OK, first, Jug you aren’t that much more evolved than anyone else. Check yourself or I will take your stated lack of interest in boobs to heart. Second, thank you Archie for being so determined to help Jug have a bachelor party that he’ll enjoy. We can all see how that’s a challenge and we’ll help work something out. Thirdly, I’m very sorry V that I don’t have much of a circle of gal pals and I can completely see how it’s making the bachelorette party look pretty um…word, Jug…y’know, sad.”

“Forlorn.” suggested Jug still sulking.

“Right, forlorn. Now let’s set four very expensive educations to work and figure this thing out. OK?”

“Three expensive educations and Archie’s” muttered Jughead, which earned him a punch in both arms from Betty and Veronica.

The Lodge-Andrewses had summoned them both to dinner at the Italian restaurant and from the moment they arrived they looked stressed. Betty knew it wasn’t because of the new business because only this week they had sold the condo in Queens at a frankly mind boggling profit. 

They sat down opposite their friends and Archie took the lead in what seemed to be an intervention of sorts. “Jug, Betty, we want you to know that we are really happy that you want us to be part of your wedding. Jug, dude, being your best man is such an honour and I couldn’t be prouder and Veronica feels just the same about being maid of honour Betty. It’s just…”

Jughead looked puzzled and a little alarmed. “Is it the speech Arch? Don’t worry about it, hell don’t even give one if you don’t want to. I don’t care.”

“No, it’s the bachelor party.” 

“And the bachelorette party” chimed in Veronica.

Archie was trying to explain. “So normally we’d get the bros together, bar, bar, strip club, done.” Jug shuddered involuntarily. “Yeah, exactly. You would so hate that. And you don’t like to drink really.”

“Well, I’ll have a scotch or something.” protested Jughead.

“Yeah right. One scotch is not going to make three hours in a bar fly by is it? And FP wants to be there.”

“OK, no bars.” Jug agreed decisively. His dad was sober but it was fragile and an evening in a bar was tempting fate to a degree that would make Jughead extremely anxious.

“And a strip club? Yeah, look at your face. And Toni wants to come. So that would be you two having some kind of intellectual debate about the sexual politics of pole dancing or something. Not a fun time. So then what? Sports? Yankee Stadium or touch football in the park?” Jug shuddered again. “Right, see? How can I find something that will appeal to your friend Kevin who seems to mainly like Broadway musicals and also to Sweetpea who only likes bar fights. I just think that someone will get hurt and no-one will have a good time, least of all you.”

“OK, well I don’t need it. Let’s just not.” Jug had grinned. His introversion was high five-ing his rejection of dude culture at this point.

“But I’m your best man. I have to organise something.”whined Archie petulantly. “You have to have a good time.”

“And then there’s your bachelorette,” Veronica began, looking at Betty. “So, the invitation list. Your cousin Cheryl. Me. You. I’m all out. Do you want your mom there?” Betty winced at the thought, “I’d say we’ll invite your sister but I have no clue how to contact her and does the cult-commune even let her out? I know you’d probably like Lou and Mrs Lou but he’s not the spa type and anyway I think they’d feel weird with just me, you and Cheryl.” 

“Abigail Burble?” suggested Betty. “And how come Jug gets Kevin?”

“It’s the dude code. Shared dudes go to the bachelor party, shared gals to the bachelorette. So we have me, Cheryl, you and your therapist. That’s the saddest little gathering ever to drink rosé in a hot tub.”

“I’m feeling attacked,” whined Betty with her bottom lip protruding. “I am a sad bride. Oh, oh, wait. The code means I get Jellybean. She’s cool.”

“And will have so much in common with your therapist and your heiress cousin. How could she resist?”

Jughead was beginning to brood. He wanted Betty to have the whole experience and even if he was unenthused about the rites of passage he knew they mattered to Betty. “Well I’m sorry that we’re such an inconvenience to everyone I’m sure,” he grumbled which was when V had lost patience with him and snapped.

So Betty needed to be creative if they were to reconcile the competing needs of their friends to fulfil their wedding party duties with her fiancé’s introversion and the legacy of her years of social isolation. “What if we do it in a different way?”

“Well that would certainly be in keeping with your engagement announcement.” Veronica observed pertly.

Betty grinned as she recalled the Sunday morning a month ago. Her cellphone had buzzed at eight a.m. and she had reached over to switch it off. She noticed that it was Veronica but she’d told herself she’d call her back later when she was less…busy. Then Jug’s phone had begun to ring. He was reluctant to switch it off in case it was JB needing him so he just silenced it. Then it rang again and he silenced it. Then it rang again and he switched it off. Not to silent, just straight up, off. He was occupied. Then her NYPD issued cell started to ring. How did she even have the number?

“Oh my God, will she ever stop?” Jughead groaned in annoyance. “I’m going to throw the damn thing out of the window.”

“Just pay attention to what you’re doing. I’ll deal with her.” Betty coaxed. She really didn’t want him to stop just when things were getting so interesting. “Do you mind if I tell her?”

“Just do whatever you have to to make her shut up.” he grumbled and went back to kissing the inside of her thigh, his hair brushing against her stomach.

Betty picked up the phone and swiped to answer. “V, what do you need?”

“B. I’ve been calling you both all morning. What the hell are you doing?”

“Not what V. Who. And I’m presently doing my fiancé, thanks for your interest. We’d…oh God…we’d be so…ughhh…grateful if you could give us an hour. Or two. Yes two definitely.”

Oh my God B, oh no, oh yuck. Wait what? Fiancé? When? No never mind, I’ll call back. Ughh.”

V was shuddering at the memory while a nostalgic smile played on Betty’s lips and Jughead sniggered into the bruschetta that he was demolishing. “What do you mean different?” she asked quirking a shapely eyebrow at her friend.

“Well, I’m a sad sack with very few friends, Jug has, understandably, dozens of people who adore him, because he’s handsome and clever and sexy and funny…” she was leaning into his neck now, nuzzling and kissing him as she listed his attributes and he preened. 

“God, you two, stop. Betty don’t indulge him. He already has too high an opinion of himself. What’s your idea?”

“Why don’t we combine? A joint bachelor and bachelorette. We can have some sort of activity that doesn’t have to involve booze if people don’t want it. Oh, I know! I have the perfect thing. We can do a murder mystery. Juggie can write it.”

Now she had his interest. He looked up from his focus on the plate in front of him and nodded his approval.

“I bet Cheryl would host at Thornhill. A gothic mansion Jug. Like “Knives Out.””

“Veronica Lodge-Andrews approves”

Betty sat back in her chair and grinned with satisfaction. The evening was saved.

___________________________________________________________

They hadn’t really done any of the wedding thing in a normal way. The proposal had been idiosyncratic to say the least…

He’d finally finished the procedural novel that’d he’d been writing when he was working as a janitor at her precinct. There had been a few months where it had been hard to find the time to write because he was making love to his girlfriend or thinking about making love to his girlfriend or remembering making love to his girlfriend. His editor had begun to get testy about the sudden drought in the supply of chapters. 

He decided he needed to change his routine so he rented a tiny office space near the precinct and when she went to work, so did he. He wrote while she investigated, sometimes they met for lunch or grabbed a coffee together and he could pick her up after work for dinner or to go and work out or to go home to their apartment and work out in more enjoyable ways.

So it was finished and all that remained was the dedication. He wrote it and deleted it a hundred times, not because he wasn’t sure and not because he didn’t think she would say yes but because he didn’t know if she would hate how public it was. Eventually he found a way to write it.

The dedication was 

B,

Steinbeck said “The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it. If you love someone — there is no possible harm in saying so — only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.”

The answer to the question is “Yes, I will. I thought you’d never ask.” What’s the question?

Always yours

J

When the publicity copies arrived at the apartment he placed one on her pillow with a red ribbon marking the dedication page and went out for a walk. He wanted to give her time. He came home, the ring burning a hole in his pocket, daring to hope. She ran to him as he opened the door, took a knee and said “Jughead Jones, janitor, writer, lover, friend. Will you be my husband?”

He nodded, pulled her to her feet, kissed her like his life depended on it and put the ring on her finger. 

___________________________________________________________________

Cheryl was only too delighted to have the distraction of a weekend house party and they chose a weekend in May, several weeks before the wedding. The novelty of the idea meant that almost everyone they invited returned their RSVPs in the affirmative. Some, like Lou and Mrs Lou were less excited about the acting element of the game and Betty reassured them that she would ensure they were murdered early on so they could relax with a spa treatment or on the driving range at Thornhill. Jughead was glad that he was between books. The murder mystery was taking up an inordinate amount of his time. Obviously he would play the corpse. He saw himself as the puppet master, the Svengali of the whole event. Having selected a 1940’s noir theme he spent days writing out character cards for each guest, having a blast. 

CHERYL Jolene Montgomery

You are a southern belle in the classic mould. A beautiful and enigmatic redhead, beaus swarm around you, like wasps around the mint julep glass you toy with, but you remain aloof. You are the hostess of the weekend party at the request of your friend Valentina who hopes to win a part in the show being produced by Ingram Nash.

VERONICA Valentina Hernandez

Famous as a cabaret and nightclub singer you are excited to be considered for a leading role in the new Broadway musical being produced by Ingram Nash. You are accompanied by the boxer Biff Fitzgerald who is in love with you and who you keep around to deter unwanted attention from creeps and predators. You hope that you will be given the opportunity to attract investment into the project this weekend by demonstrating your talents. (In other words prepare a song V :-))

ARCHIE Biff Fitzgerald

You are the welterweight boxing sensation of New York. With thirty victories under your belt, twenty five of them by knockout you are expected to compete for the world title in the near future. You are at the party at the invitation of Valentina Hernandez who you hope to date but who, you suspect, may be stringing you along.

BETTY Emily Emmerson

You are lady’s companion to your wealthy distant relative Jolene. You present a reserved and shy persona but secretly you are fiercely intelligent and ruthlessly determined. You enjoy baking with Mrs Webber, the pastry chef. You have a disturbing and secret predilection for necrophilia which you will indulge at every opportunity with the poor dead body of Lewis “L” Hammett. :-P

The cards were only half the game. When he had assigned roles for everyone he had to work out how to lay the clues that they would follow. Betty was also a problem. She was an outstanding detective and she knew exactly how his mind worked. It would be too easy for her to work out his plot and there would be no fun in it so she had to be the murderer. The difficulty with that was that everyone would expect exactly that, so he had to work out a way that she could be definitively proven not to be the killer while still being the killer. Eventually he had it and he rubbed his hands with glee.

Meanwhile Betty was helping Veronica make arrangements to entertain the “murdered” members of the group before the final drawing room showdown. They hired a golf pro and a masseuse and when Jughead wasn’t masterminding the murder of their guests he would be running an epic video game tournament. Cheryl asked if she could make a wedding present of an open bar and lavish catering and Betty agreed gratefully even though Jughead said he would rather send out for pizza.

Eventually the weekend arrived and the guests began to gather on the lawn at Thornhill. Jughead had posted out their cards in the preceding days and the guests arrived to find their costumes awaiting them in their bedrooms. Once they had donned their new characters they were invited to take tea or cocktails with the other guests and a low buzz of conversation arose from the groups as they became acquainted with each other. Kevin was thrilled to be playing the Broadway impresario Ingram Nash and was throwing himself into the role as he flirted with Moose in real life spurs and cowboy hat as an oil millionaire with a taste for the arts. Suddenly there was a yell from the rooftop of the grand house and a figure tumbled from the crenellated parapet above them into the courtyard on the other side of the building. Everyone rushed from the lawn to offer assistance, only Veronica lagging behind muttering, “Always so extra.”

The corpse was Jughead’s. He lay crumpled beneath the battlements, blood around his head in a pool. Although Betty knew that he was planning to be the victim the sight of him made her heart leap with fear and she rushed to his side. Before the others reached them he opened one blue eye and winked at her and her heart stopped racing. “Cousin Jolene, it’s the private investigator that you hired. It’s Lewis Hammett and he’s quite dead.” she announced.

The weekend then proceeded with much hilarity and a few shocks. Betty was unsurprised when the chauffeur played without much enthusiasm by Lou was strangled after dinner on Friday night. He grinned at her and mimed a golf swing as Archie and Moose carried him away. Archie’s demise during the night as he slept next to Valentina “Veronica” Hernandez was also expected. After all Jug needed someone to play video games with. 

Betty was visited by the ghost of “L” Hammett during the night and he made very passionate love to her for someone who had been dead for six hours. He slipped back to the den and his scheming before breakfast. 

Betty had breakfast with her mom and FP. Alice was playing the part of a retired famous actress who was considering investing in the musical and FP was her driver. It was a minimal role and FP was happy to be on the sidelines while Alice occasionally indulged her flair for the dramatic. FP was obviously proud of the narrative that Jug had created though. “He’s always been so smart. I could never keep up. I didn’t give him a good home, never pushed him in school but he got that full ride at Columbia and then when he graduated there was the Latin thing.”

“Latin honours?” asked Betty. He’d never mentioned that. “Do you remember what the Latin was? Cum Laude?”

“Yeah but there was another word, like summer.”

“Wait, you’re saying Juggie graduated, from Columbia, summa cum laude?”

“Yeah that’s it. That’s pretty good isn’t it? Like I say, he’s smart.” Betty knew that he was clever, that his vocabulary was exceptional, that he could hold several competing ideas in his head at one time but she hadn’t realised that he was, quite objectively, one of the very finest minds of his generation. Alice was boasting about Betty’s degrees now. They seemed to be hitting it off famously and Betty experienced a slight twinge of concern that this shouldn’t become an awkward situation. 

She spent most of the morning with Mrs Lou whose real name was Sandra but who was playing the role of Mrs Webber the pastry chef. Betty was touched that Jug had bothered to learn that Mrs Lou loved to bake and had been excited to use the professional style kitchens at Thornhill. The older woman was having a great time and Betty enjoyed her company along with that of her late husband who stopped in from the driving range for coffee and macarons. Betty was pleased to have the opportunity to discuss something with him that she'd been reluctant to bring up at work. "So Lou, I'm getting married, right?"

"I sure hope so or all this seems pretty redundant," he laughed.

"So, there's a favour that I want to ask you. Don't feel obliged though. I won't be offended if you'd rather not. I totally understand."

"Ask me already! If you and your man need something I'm not gonna turn you down."

"Right, OK. My dad...well, you know about my dad." Lou nodded, his face becoming serious. "There's no-one that I'd rather have walk me down the aisle than you Lou so if you felt that you could I'd be really grateful."

Lou's eyes filled with unshed tears and he nodded and swallowed and smiled. "Proud to do it Betty. Honoured to do it." he muttered in a voice cracking with emotion. Sandra came to the rescue, undercutting all the free floating emotion in the room.

"Well stop stuffing your face with sugar then man. That dress uniform is already gonna be a squeeze."

Jellybean was brutally stabbed before lunch and Abigail Burble was poisoned at the table. Their corpses headed off together to the spa discussing Jellybean’s premed course choices and the possibility of her auditing Abigail’s counselling classes at CUNY.

After lunch Betty found herself sitting by the pool with Toni who was playing the role of Layla Wachee, a celebrated dancer with a role in the Broadway musical that was the stimulus for the murderous party. While they had met before Betty had always been a little nervous of this feisty and outspoken woman, remembering that she was the only other girl that Jughead had ever truly loved. “You’re a lucky girl.” Toni told her with an appraising look.

“I know,” Betty replied shyly. “He’s everything to me. Everyday I think that I couldn’t love him more and yet, the next day I do. He’s just the best.”

“Oh I didn’t mean because you’re with Jug. I mean he’s great and all but I meant because you found the person that you fit with and you knew it and made it work. I’m really happy for you both. He’s one of the good ones. If it wasn’t for him I’d never have got the business off the ground. Hey, you know he owns forty percent of my business don’t you?”

“No, what business?” Betty was surprised by the information.

“I run a chain of garages in Ohio. Mostly motorcycle repairs. When Jug and I were breaking up I was pretty lost and he just asked me what I really wanted to do. I said I want to repair bikes and he staked me with the advance from the first book. He was still in college so money was tight but he gave me enough capital to get a business loan. We’ve got four locations now. I employ a lot of kids who’ve been in trouble with gangs or in jail or whatever so it’s kind of a social enterprise too. Wouldn’t have got there without him.”

Betty’s heart felt swollen and sore when she thought about the generosity of a man who, even when the most important relationship in his life was ending, wanted to help, needed to be of service. As she blinked away tears Cheryl drifted over and reclined onto a lounger. “The little shindig seems to be successful wouldn’t you say cuz?”

“It’s great Cheryl, thanks so much for everything. I don’t think you know Jug’s friend Toni, do you?” Betty gestured towards Toni and was almost electrocuted by the fritz of sexual tension that seemed to leap between them. Betty had heard of catching lightning in a bottle but had never witnessed it. She scrambled to her feet, gabbling “Toni, this is Cheryl, my cousin, our host. You’re both entrepreneurs so lots in common. I have so much to do. See you soon.” She glanced back over her shoulder as she retreated towards the house just as Toni glided towards Cheryl’s lounger as if drawn by gravity. She wondered if it would be a kindness if they were to die together before bedtime.

She arrived in the games room in time to discover the bodies of Jug’s friends Sweetpea and Fangs who were keen to get involved in the now fairly raucous video game tournament. The killer seemed to be on a spree and no-one was nearer to catching them. The fact that everyone had been together when Jughead’s body was found meant that none of them could have pushed him off the roof and so those who wanted to solve the case were stumped. She wondered how mad it would make Jug if she dropped a hint or two. Veronica was keen to live out the day since she was scheduled to perform her musical number after dinner and Kev seemed to be enjoying the chance to act again. His character was entering a passionate affair with the angel investor oil man played by Moose with a positively disturbing Texan accent and they both seemed to be enjoying the role play.

That evening after dinner the living and the dead were chatting in the main drawing room. Veronica whispered something to Kevin as he took the piano stool and then tapped her knife against a wine glass. “Good evening everyone. We have some entertainment for you tonight. First our own Miss Emmerson will be singing for you.” Betty’s jaw dropped and she stared at Veronica. She began to make desperate excuses but Veronica was having none of it. “You must be able to do something Betty. I’ve heard you sing in the shower before. What do you know?” Her throat dry and her heart pounding she stared at her friend. Veronica reached into her pocket and drew out one of Jug’s plot cards **Get Betty to sing something.**

She would have words with him afterwards but it looked like he needed this for plot so she took a deep breath and whispered “Seasons of Love?” to Kev who gave her a beaming smile and pushed the sheet music aside. He was a gay theatre kid, he could play “Rent” by heart. Betty began quietly but gradually she gained confidence and by the end of the song she was belting it out and feeling pretty great. When she had finished and looked around the room, surprised by the applause, she noticed that Jug was standing near the door with his jaw almost on the floor in shock. She realised that he hadn’t really heard her sing. She’d loved it in high school but that all stopped after a particularly traumatising production of Carrie. Next Veronica gave a very sassy rendition of Roxie from Chicago which Archie whooped in response to and scooped her up in his arms and twirled her round the room. Not bad for a dead guy. 

They found that Moose had been murdered at the back of the room while B and V were performing. He was arranging a tee time with Lou as his corpse was carried out. The murder explained why Jug had issued the diktat. He needed her alibi to be rock solid. She still greeted him with a playful punch to the shoulder when his corpse visited her that night. “You could have asked me Jug.”

“You’d have said no and pleaded and I wouldn’t have been able to make you go through with it. Anyway, you were so amazing. Why didn’t I know you could do that?” She took his hand and explained about Midge and his eyes became soft and compassionate and he apologised if he’d brought back the trauma but actually she was glad. It was good to rediscover something that had been taken from her and she’d enjoyed it once the nerves had retreated. 

“We’ll go to karaoke bars with V and Archie; it’ll be great.”

“I’ll go but you can’t make me sing. That’s never going to happen,” he said firmly.

“We’ll see.” She replied with a twinkle in her eye.

The next day Kevin was much more determined to solve the case as a matter of professional pride, even though most of the guests thought he worked in “Data systems analysis solutions.” It was magical, whenever he said those words, in any order, the person he was speaking to glazed over and changed the subject. It was a perfect cover for a friendly neighbourhood CIA officer. Nevertheless he was tracking down clues like a whirlwind and drawing diagrams explicating who couldn’t be in the frame. He sat with Betty over croissants and coffee late in the morning expressing his disappointment that she hadn’t done a better job of drawing out hints. “And I would have thought he’d make you the murderer; that’d be the only way you wouldn’t solve it.”

Betty raised an eyebrow at him. “Come on Kev, work it out,” she thought. 

Kev observed the expression on her face,“Ah, it is you. But you were with us when Jug fell off the roof so that couldn’t be you, and you couldn’t have killed Moose. We are so keeping that Stetson by the way, Whoah Cowboy! So you have to have an accomplice. But who could that be? What happened to your cousin Cheryl by the way? And that little girl with the pink hair? I’m going to track them down.”

“Knock first Kev,” Betty said meaningfully as he dashed off clutching his notebook only to report back a few minutes later that Cheryl and Toni both said they were dead but they were presently too busy to come and be corpses.

As they lingered over coffee after lunch a gong sounded and Cheryl announced that everyone, alive and dead, was to gather in the drawing room. Jughead was there before them, instructing the living to take the seats at the front while the ghosts crowded in behind them. He asked if anyone was going to explain the murders and Kev whined “It’s got to be Betty but I’ve no idea why or how.”

“Thanks for that Kev. I’d stick to systems data analysis solutions if I were you. Investigation isn’t your forte.” Jughead said snarkily but winked at Kev at the same time. Jellybean raised her hand from the back. “Well of course you know JB, you got murdered.”

“Yeah but I know how and why. Want me to explicate the denouement brother dear?” JB smirked and Betty felt a rush of love for her as she teased him.

“Fine,” pouted Jughead as he threw his lanky form onto a couch.

“OK so I was murdered by Betty who we all expected to be the killer because otherwise she would have solved Jughead’s mystery in about ten minutes flat. The twist is that there are two murderers working together.”

“I knew it,” Kev whined, slapping the sofa in irritation.

“By having two killers it was possible to establish an unbreakable alibi for Betty so Moose, I’m afraid you had to die just to divert suspicion from her. The other murderer is, of course, Lewis Smughead Jones Hammett, dear brother of mine. I’m assuming that Jolene was aware that her life was in danger so she hired a private eye who was immediately seduced by Emily and drawn into her scheme. When we were on the lawn he yelled and pushed a dummy off the roof. By the time we got to the courtyard he’d stowed the dummy, probably in one of those barrels, and laid down pretending to be dead, covering himself with corn syrup blood. Betty was first to the corpse and told us he was dead and we believed her. That meant he was able to kill at will. As to motivation, Betty, sorry Emily is the heir to the estate so she needed to get rid of cousin Jolene. Emily had witnessed Jolene’s will so she knew that she had left money to her chauffeur and to her ex lovers played by Sweetpea and Fangs and to her secret half brother Biff, the hair gives that away. Although it has to be said that it’s no coincidence that all of those victims spent most of the weekend playing video games and drinking beer and having a full on bro bachelor party. Toni was offed because she was with Cheryl when Betty went to do the deed. The will is actually on Cheryl’s desk in the library if anyone had bothered to look.”

Jughead looked at his sister appraisingly. “OK you’re pretty smart. Trouble is you had to be dead to solve it.”

“No, I wanted to be dead. That’s why my murder is motiveless. I asked Betty to kill me when I had worked it out so that I could get a free massage. It was, as they say, to die for.” She sat down with a smug expression and the guests, living and dead applauded. Even Jug looked impressed by her.

The party broke up as the afternoon drew on, Kevin and Moose were road tripping back to DC, planning to spend a couple of days in the city of brotherly love they said waggling their eyebrows meaningfully. Alice and FP seemed to spend slightly too long saying their goodbyes before he, Sweetpea and Fangs shared a cab to the airport. Toni said she had changed her flight and planned to stay a few extra days. Archie, Veronica, Betty and Jughead were the last to leave, Jellybean having snagged a more comfortable ride with Abigail and Lou and Sandra planning to visit her sister in New Haven on the way home. As Betty snuggled against Jughead in the back seat of Archie's SUV she whispered “Summa cum laude” into his ear. He flushed a little and smiled at her. 

“No big deal. Just words.”

She leaned closer so she could speak quietly, “Yes big deal. You being the cleverest man in any room you’re in is so hot. I learned quite a bit about you you know. And everything I learned made me love you more.”

“Same. The singing especially got me excited. Didn’t know that was a kink but it is.”

Jughead had been inspired by the weekend, by the layers of narrative and the ways they overlapped. He decided he’d play around with it and see if the publisher was interested in something different. A country house murder with a modern meta-textual twist. He submitted the first three chapters just before the wedding. When they got back from their honeymoon in Italy the publisher was clamouring for more. It was a new chapter.

**Reviews of Bleeding in the Library by F. “Jughead” Jones**

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Dashiell Hammett meets David Foster Wallace in a gothic mansion, they fight, they kiss, they make love. This book is that. A sophisticated and subtle literary novel with a fascinating narrative structure that actually makes you want to turn the page. Jones is a remarkable talent and this book will win literary prizes.

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When you see a guy on the subway reading "Ulysses” you know he’s not having fun. Literature is meant to be hard work; well that’s all changed. This is a literature but it’s fun too. Witty and wry and eclectic, “Bleeding in the Library” is the book that’s taking publishing by storm. Suddenly intelligent novels by thoughtful and compassionate writers can be financial winners. Buy this book, you’ll have a great time and you’ll be part of a cultural movement.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! Me again. I can't let these two go so I am working on a follow up involving Rhode Island, Bret, Donna and the RPGing of the literary novel. If you liked this maybe swing back round for that in a few weeks. Be safe out there...wash your hands.


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